Jan. 15, 2003
The Goober Nightly News
Along with most of the female population of America, I have renewed my commitment to health and thinness this month. That means I've been going to the gym a lot. At the gym, they show CNN. Watching CNN (which I never used to do) has proven so entertaining that I've taken to bringing my glasses along when I work out so as not to miss a thing.
I don't have headphones, so I actually never catch the main stories on CNN. I can pretty much figure out from the pictures that it's all the stuff that's been in the papers ad nauseum forever now. No, what entertains me is the little mini-headlines that run along the bottom of the TV screen like a ticker tape. I don't know who comes up with this stuff, but it is the most random assortment of "news" I have ever seen! You get "Man held at gunpoint for three days in Nancy, OH released from ER" followed by "Truck blown over in wind storm in Santa Ana, CA" followed by "Music News: American Music Awards to feature Osbournes" followed by "Idaho reports lowest ever number of traffic fatalities in 2002." You can learn so much in ten minutes, it's incredible! So, given my newfound knowledge gleaned from my CNN workouts, I thought I would use this, my monthly forum, to present my views on today's headlines.
First of all, the weird cloning cult. What is up with that? I realize this one's kind of old news by now, but it's definitely the strangest news story to pop up in a while. When the cloned sheep turned up (remember them? The ones from Scotland?), everyone started freaking out that it was only a matter of time before people started cloning humans. And I remember thinking, at the time, "Why would anyone want to clone humans, anyway?" (Not that I understand why anyone would want to clone sheep.) Well, now we have people who apparently think that cloning is important to the fate of mankind and who even have a religion based around it. (And yet there are religious folks out there still worried that their kids might learn about Darwin.) I really don't know what this group of folks is thinking, but my sister put it best: "You know, if this whole cloning thing is about trying to increase the membership of their cult, it's doomed anyway. Cloned humans are still people, and they're going to grow into moody adolescents and reject the cult, and plus they'll have all these issues about being cloned."
Moving on to Osama bin Laden, does anyone else think the media pretty much treats him like a cartoon now? It used to be that we were supposed to be very concerned about him and about his network of terrorists, and now it's like they're saying, "Who, Osama? Oh, don't worry about him. He's hiding in a cave somewhere, all defeated and bony. Our new villain is one we've recycled from the early 90's named Saddam Hussein. Remember him? Keep up with us, people! We don't have time to keep explaining this stuff." I'm starting to think he has a publicist who calls him on his cell phone and says, "Listen, man, the major papers aren't running stories on you anymore. You'd better release another video."
As for Saddam Hussein, I'm still not exactly sure why we hate him. In the early 90's, as I recall, we hated him because he was "like Hitler." At the time, that made quite an impression, but the "like Hitler" simile has lost a bit of power from overuse, what with all the attempted genocides that happened in eastern Europe later in the decade. Also, from what I understand, Saddam Hussein's bag is not so much genocide as it is just generally mistreating the people of his country. That's not admirable, but it's not rare, either, so it's not enough to make him our number one enemy. Apparently, what makes Saddam Hussein our number one enemy is that he has nuclear weapons, or so we've heard, through sources we can neither confirm nor deny, which means he must be STOPPED! Or something. Also, oil fits into the picture somewhere.
Apparently, Pete Townsend downloaded a bunch of kiddie porn off the internet but wants the world to know that he is not a pedophile. Rather, he suspects that he was abused as a child and is researching that possibility. The guys on the 99X morning show are all ready to buy this story and are decrying the police for leaking this story and the media for spreading this story, saying that Pete Townsend is a rock god and that people should respect that. However, they did not explain, or even ask the question of, how downloading porn might help with research into one's own past. I mean, I understand, you need an excuse, nobody lives down the accusation of pedophilia, but... research? That's pretty lame. I'd have gone with the old "It wasn't for me, it was for a friend" or the always useful "The voices in my head made me do it." Or even "Look, I was really wasted, I had no idea what I was doing." Now that is plausible, and since The Who never really had reputations built on family values and clean living, it wouldn't do a whole lot of damage to the career in question. (You know, if I ever do get famous, I will have quite a hefty karmic debt to pay, what with keeping up with all the celebrity rags and believing everything I read and all.)
Speaking of fame, Steph told me over the holidays that she's nervous about the possibility of my becoming famous. Reason? If I wrote an autobiography, she would be in it. I offered to leave her out, but she didn't seem too keen on that idea, so I've decided, as a favor to her, to start writing about her regularly here in the Goober Diaries. That way, when my autobiography does come out, she'll be used to the attention. No need to thank me, Steph; it's the least I can do.
I'm in pre-planning for a new CD, at long last. No plans yet for the autobiography, though. (You're all just itching for that to come out, aren't you?) Stay tuned, and I'll be back next month with more self-centered free-writing exercises, thinly disguised as news and entertainment...
What’s in my stereo at home:
What’s in my car:
What's in my CD player at work: