Sept. 23, 2002
Stress Monkey
I had a very depressing realization a week or so ago, in the middle of the last-minute craziness of preparing for TourBaby. I realized that I could quit my day job and still not ever have time to relax. See, I've been saying that the reason I never seem to be able to find the time to practice guitar and write songs and just play for fun is that I have this full-time job (which has become much more stressful and time-consuming in the past six months or so than it was before) in addition to the second full-time job of booking, promoting, and playing shows. But what I've realized is that I'm not working full-time on booking, promoting, and playing gigs. I'm not even coming close. There are people who do just booking full-time, people who do just PR full-time, and, of course, a few people whose only job is to show up and play, maybe do the occasional interview. The music business is so huge and complicated that there are whole worlds of it that I haven't even touched. Radio, for example. There are resources out there, plenty of them, that will tell you what radio stations play independent music and how to contact them, but talk about a full-time job! First you have to send in your CD, then you have to call back again and again and again - just like booking, except that everyone I know who's done this says that it's even harder to actually get results. Sigh.
So I'm going to have to figure out a way to spend more time on actual music - and I'm not sure how to do that. It's very difficult for me to sit down and write songs when there's laundry to be done and dinner to make and choir rehearsal and calls to return and friends I haven't seen in months. But it's New Year's Resolution time for me (a semester schedule is an impossible habit to break at this point), and Resolution #1 is to find time to write and play guitar. An hour a week, at least. (Isn't it pathetic that an hour a week would be an improvement?)
Another problem is that I'm fundamentally not an overachiever. I mean, I sort of am, but I'm not sure how that happened given that my natural state is to sit around with people I like, eating greasy food and saying obnoxious things. If I did have tons of free time and could do anything with it that I wanted, I wouldn't spend it with my guitar. No, I'd spend it hanging out with my friends. And I'd see a lot more of my boyfriend. Sometimes I read interviews with musicians I admire, and they say things like, "If there's anything else in the world that you like to do, don't do this" or "If you want to be a musician, you have to completely dedicate your life to music," and it pisses me off. Who are they to say that every musician has to have the same way of thinking about music and about a music career? It takes longer to do it the slow way, but I still think it can be done. There can be compromises. I have to believe that you can be a musician and still spend time with your friends. Because if you can't, then that's not a life I want for myself.
I actually went to the gym after work today (another too-rare occurrence), and they had a new schedule of exercise classes with a newsletter on the back. I read the newsletter because this month's issue was called "The Truth About Stress," and my love/hate relationship with stress has always been a struggle for me. You see, I've always been a stress monkey. I have a very hard time relaxing because it's stress that keeps me awake and moving towards my goals. I don't like massages because they rob me of my precious stress. I keep long lists of tasks in my date book, on my computer, on my calendar at work, and in my head and stress about each task until it has been accomplished. Now, I realize that this plan is not a particularly healthy or efficient one. I also realize that I am getting older, and while I used to be able to shrug off the occasional sleepless night of worry with a Coke and sheer mental fortitude, I find that these days, stress affects me in negative ways. I get knots in my feet and have to rub them for an hour before I can get to sleep. I freak out. I panic and wonder what will become of me. Instead of feeling the stress moving me forward, I feel it holding me back, keeping me from ever feeling a sense of accomplishment about anything and leading me into a spiral of self-doubt and despair.
So anyway, I read this article about stress with great interest, hoping to find the answer to both my fragile mental and emotional condition and my seemingly unsolvable time crunch. Here is the wisdom contained in this document:
"Here are a few things you can do to cut down on stress:
I think these are excellent suggestions, definitely things worth doing. If anyone out there reading is doing all of these things, please tell me how on earth you are finding the time.
The good news, I guess, is that all the work I'm doing does have tangible results. When I have a really good gig, it's all worth it. That ice cream store in Asheville, Sweet Heaven, is a real find; if you live in Asheville or ever visit, I cannot recommend it highly enough for ice cream, music, and atmosphere. October is looking awesome, with a gig at Java House, one of my favorite local venues, a performance at Ladyfest South, a gig at a new-to-me local venue, and some out-of-town adventures. I'm really looking forward to all of it, and even though I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself for not having had a vacation this summer, now I'm thrilled that I have enough vacation time saved up to make all of my musical adventures happen.
And speaking of vacation, I'm finally going to take one! I'm leaving Friday to go visit my sister in lovely and idyllic Floyd, VA. I can't wait. I only hope I can fit all ten of the tips for cutting down stress into my vacation without coming home more tired than I was when I left...
What’s in my stereo at home:
Brain Pogo (mix CD from Amanda)
Run Lola Run soundtrack
What’s in my car:
mix tape from Kymm
What's in my CD player at work:
Nothing right now. I'm going to try to remember to play
music tomorrow. Something relaxing.